Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Ugly


Its been a while but that is what I love about this.

It might have been months but you are always here waiting for me, old friend, my blog.

We have settled quite nicely into our new home. Its better than we could have ever dreamed we'd be living in.

It's amazing, isn't it? The way the Lord takes care of us and meets our needs when we just can't see where we are going anymore. He meets us right where we are.

You'd think that we are perfect now. And though the Lord has met our every need, He is still working on those nagging things in our back closet. Those issues you really didn't even know you had. because you had never had the things you have now and never needed to tested and cleaned out.


Its an ugly word.

I always knew I was selfish to some extent. I mean, who isn't? Its in our very fleshly, human condition.

God is teaching us that with the blessings He has so richly bestowed upon us, we need to be more giving and sharing about what He has given us. And I do love giving. There is such rich blessings when you do. I thought I was pretty good at it. That is until God starts showing me ways that I'm not acting in an unselfish way.

I'm embarrassed to even be telling you this. I felt all afternoon that I need to share this though.

Here is is. The Ugly.

It started almost immediately after we moved here. Another family moved in on the same property as us. ( There is an old farmhouse that the owner decided they could live in while they fixed it up) Right away I thought, OH NO! I wanted some of the neat old furniture that was in the house! Right away I felt like I should slap myself! These people have practically nothing and here I am with everything I ever wanted and it still wasn't enough! Then the young mama living there came and asked if she could have some of the canned goods in the basement that were left here for our use. Her husband hadn't been payed yet from his new job and they didn't have a lot of money for food.Of course! What would Jesus do! I thought. After I gave her what I thought should be good enough, she said she would probably come back later to get more, my selfishness roared its big ugly head again. I thought- my, isn't it enough what I gave her? After she left, I was so overwhelmingly convicted and the verse about giving someone the shirt off your back kept slapping me in the face. I loaded up a basket of groceries out of my pantry and walked the humble road to her house. She was very thankful and grateful for my meager offering. What is wrong with me? Why do I act like a 2 year old? I have everything I need and more. All given to me by the grace of God and yet still., here I am acting like a child!

I am very ashamed about my selfish thoughts and actions. There have been numerous little things other than those stories that have shown me my horrible problem of selfishness. And yes, I do think that this culture we live in has groomed me to be this way. Everybody is taking care of #1. Everywhere you look is, Have It My Way! Everything shouts out "IT'S MINE". Why have we become a society that is so selfish? Aren't we supposed to help each other and take care of one another? What about "Love your brother as yourself"? That is probably the hardest one out there! Its easy to be generous outwardly but what about my thoughts? Are they selfless? Are they giving? That is probably where I struggle the most.

Want to know something though? Its pretty awesome! We can change! God keeps giving me opportunities to be selfless in deed and thought! He keeps testing me and I hope with His help I am learning something through this.

Oh, Lord, please continue to show me areas in my life that need to be cleaned and polished so I can have a heart like Yours!