jumbled thoughts.....

Tired. I'm tired. I feel the need to just spill my thoughts and feelings out on a page. Today has been one of those days. I dont know if its just because winter is getting long. Or if its Monday. I feel like I will go nuts if I have to change one more poopy diaper. Untie and tie one more bandana around a cowboys chin. Pick up one more lego that Audrey is putting in her mouth. Get one more glass of juice, or snack. Break up one more argument, listen to one more tattle or whine.I just want to enjoy my children but on days when I feel like this its all I can do to just get through the day.I'm tired.
 Tired. So tired. There are so many things I wish I was better at. I wish I had more time to learn new things. Create new things. Be good at just ONE thing. I wish I knew who I was. I think  I used to know? I'm tired of trying to keep up with other people. Wishing I was as good a mom as this person or that person. But I can barely keep my house picked up or laundry caught up. I know I shouldn't feel like this. I can't even believe I writing this down. Why DO i feel like this. I mean, will my children really care when they are older that they didn't have the cutest, most beautifully decorated bedrooms? Or if I didn't spend a million hours making them scrapbooks? If they don't have the nicest brand name clothes? NO THEY WON'T! And the problem is that I KNOW that they won't! But what is this insane feeling that if I'm not doing these things I must be a bad mom! My kids know that I love them. I tell them all the time! My favorite thing to do with them is just snuggle up on the couch and hug on them. I need to realize that I don't need to prove anything to anyone.I just don't have the time, money or energy to do these things at this point of my or our lives. Someday I will  have time, enough energy and maybe even a little money to do these things but even if I do its not going to change how much i love my kids or who I am.
 I think sometimes in all the chaos of this life I foget that earthly things do not matter. I need to store up teasures in heaven, in my children! I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. I'm sure that I'll wake up with more energy for the day and be ready what what the day holds. But right now I  needed to vent. It felt good.
 So now I'm going to go change the 8th poopy diaper of the day, help my 2 yr old put his boots on for the 40th time today just because he like to wear his "boot" snuggle with my kids and wipe some little noses. Break up the fight and realize that someday I'm going to miss this noise. Smile back at my smiley little girl and Thank the Lord for the blessings that I don't always recognize that are all around me.